New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
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When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful