Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
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Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober