Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
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[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I’m sorry…what?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Running from your problems is cardio .
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga