buying dead houseplants to save time
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Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.