It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
You Might Also Like
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My birthstone is kidney
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Cha-ching is my safe word
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir