Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
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Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
pls suprot
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Real House Wines.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.