A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
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One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Pot warmers of the day.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.