Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
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Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine