“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
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Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click