[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
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Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
#NoRestForTheWicked
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”