Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
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*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.