Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
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What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”