I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
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Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Day 2 of my diet
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives