Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
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Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
this is the news I live for
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS