Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
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Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p