I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
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What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.