Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
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5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
the worm is coming from inside the brain
That earthquake could have been an email.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”