My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
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Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.