Who’s ready for Friday?!
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Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Selfie
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Weighing up my bread heating options
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.