God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
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My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Siri, fight Alexa.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.