Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
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8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Brands during Pride
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
broke down and did it
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
thanksgiving in nutshell
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.