shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
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There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
The honesty is refreshing
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting