Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
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Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil