My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
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I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
How can I say no to this ?
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
…..pretty much.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Just this preview of the story is enough
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.