Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
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Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
is it earth
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.