I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
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Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.