Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
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If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
The three genders
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Its true…