ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
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Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
classic mixup
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home