Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
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If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Stop it! 😂
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Try and stop me.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.