It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
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I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™