My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
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Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
not to brag, but mine was free
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Childbirth is so beautiful
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.