the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
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My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.