Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon