*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
You Might Also Like
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”