me the second it drops below 70 degrees
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At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I hope Alan is OK
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-