him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
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My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.