I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
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wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you