Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
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Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
😍😂🥰😂😍
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*