Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
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[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
So we got a goldfish…
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.