Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
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You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
My love language is hissing.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity