“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
You Might Also Like
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.