Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
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What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
*ernest hemingway voice*
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what