her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
You Might Also Like
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats