JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
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Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.