No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
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I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
No chill.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.