I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
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Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
so i’m at the stock market right