If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
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What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Actually cracking up @ this
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.