I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
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It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets