“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
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It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
He just like my cat fr
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
It was worth a shot 😂
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”