Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
You Might Also Like
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Seas the day!!!!
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.